i

am a mess

football day

Sunday is the day that my dear sweet husband doesn't do anything but watch football. I have never been able to get into football and I don't have a clue how this happened. My family is obsessed with football... I remember when I was younger being told to leave the room until I was wearing the right colors. But I do love the laziness of watching football and of course the snacks. Ohhh snacks. Today was little smokies and some cinnamon swirly pizza shaped treat. And beer... which is fun. For people who drink. I no longer smoke or drink... even though some days seem to call for a lot of both of those things. Anyway, it was a great day. I will try to get pictures up of M in the snow soon.

going with the flow

Today was great. It was my first day back to work in a very long time and I loved it. I wish I coud have stayed longer. Maybe next time I can. My MIL watched my baby today. My MIL is great and wonderful and I am so glad to have her in my life. But she and I are so different, and that just makes things a little awkward sometimes. For starters she texted me a bit before she was supposed to get to my house telling (telling, not asking) me that I need to put the carseat in her car when she gets there in case she and M go anywhere. I tried to play it cool even though I was immediately annoyed. (Yes I know I shouldn't have been, right?) I responded with something like, "Ok great, do you know where you guys are going?" And no, she didn't know.
    Ok... She arrived, M was so happy to see her---> and that is all that really truly matters. She loves my baby and my baby loves her! They make each other happy!
    I don't want to let her get to me, I don't want to let anything get to me, but I keep letting everything get to me. I think I'm doing better, I mean, before I texted her back with the "ok great..." etc, I had about 10 different texts I had started typing ... like... "I really wanted you to watch her here...... It's only for 3 hours.... She is going to nap during this time... " And I totally talked myself into just going with the flow. Even though most of the time the flow feels really against me. And... they didn't go anywhere.

Ok so today was a great day. Besides a few normal bumps in the road. I need to go with the flow and stop trying to ... I don't know, be a control freak?  It's almost like sometimes I leave with the idea that what I would do in a situation is so right that I just expect another person to do the same as me, but that's just so CRAZY! I think I got that idea from my mom, and unfortunately, it's a terrible one.

 All in all it was a great day. Next on my to do list is birthday invitations. And earlier this evening I got an amazing idea-- An indoor rake!! I could rake all of Ms toys up into one pile and pick up much faster. Good idea?

I suck

I don't want to let my emotions dictate how I behave anymore. It's immature. How do I grow up?? How do I love and trust when I really, never have?? I'm tired of blaming my mom and dad. so now what?

I am a weak person. I look to other people to make me feel full and happy. Really, I look to food. I chew pretty much all day long. It's time for a big change. I don't really know what I'm changing though. I hate myself a lot, and I am like, going through the past, peeking at all the things that make me feel shame, and I'm trying to accept those things in the hopes that I can stop hating myself. I can't hate myself, I have a daughter. It's important to teach her to love herself.

I wish there was some switch I could flip, immature child- mature adult
I feel like I have worked really hard to stay a child and now I'm so sick of it but I don't even know what to do. Sorry this is so negative... I keep finding myself reaching out to people for answers when really I have some answers. I just... don't have the strength... to apply... what is right - to my life. I need strength and I guess I don't know where I get that from anymore. not from that donut I ate.